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As I sit at my desk, looking out the window on this foggy Sunday morning in my home, I realize the sense of disconnect from all that surrounds me. I no longer feel that I belong in this space. That which I have struggled to hold on to feels insignificant. I’ve let go of so much over the last few years, and the process of cleansing continues.

I look around my empty house, facing the knowledge that I am no longer who I thought to be. The rooms feel cold and big, they have lost the warmth of love once present. The back yard, situated overlooking the creek and greenbelt, no longer serves as my sanctuary. My dogs, the companions of our family’s journey, look at me with longing, for they now represent burden, responsibility, that which I no longer desire to represent my self-worth.

The laughter has been replaced by silence. It is all silent……..

I realize I am standing in the emptiness of the space between. My old life, most of which I have let go of, and the one not yet created. I am alone. Completely, utterly alone, without an anchor, unable to reach the ground, caught in a state of suspension. The old way of being calls to me, for it is comfortable and familiar. Yet every cell in my body screams NO. I know that it’s no longer an option to be that which I am not. But the question begs, ‘who am I really?’. I have no labels to hold on to, for they seem stifling to my soul. But the void of ‘nothingness’ burns, so deeply that I can feel the fire within the vessels that carry the blood of my life.

An inner voice tells me ‘it is almost over’. This voice has become louder over the years, from a faint whisper to a strong presence. It can no longer be ignored. All that I have loved and believed in is gone. My faith…shattered, my truth… questioned. But I know that through this darkness, I will find my true Self. My inner essence, the connection to which is all I need to live. The trust in my own potential, my own greatness and power, is all I need to be. I must fall into the void, the descent into the fires of hell and purgatory, so that all which is NOT ME can burn away, and who I AM can rise from the ashes.

Alchemy, the process of transforming metal into gold, refers to this stage as calcinatio, the burning away of all that is foreign leaving only the purest of substance, the white ash. Psychologically, it is the intense ‘firing’ up of emotions, often caused by anger, so that the false self can dissolve, and what remains is the truth of one’s psyche, released from all its distorted beliefs and complexes. Calcinatio is the purging of the nigredo, the blackness, that sense of absolute despair which is a prerequisite to personal transformation.

This is the beginning of individuation, calling me to descend into the great unknown, to bear witness to the vastness of my inner void, my desperation and alchemical nigredo, so that I can find my way home.

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3 Responses to “My Inner Journey”

  1. Rob says:

    Wow, this is me right now, thank you for these words you must have written some time ago.

  2. Well done on this post about the inner journey. Delighted to see another coach who teaches the inside out transformation. I can resonate strongly with your worldview on coaching.

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