Simulated view of a black hole in front of the...
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I have experienced a lifetime of inner duality, a split between my own mind and body; an ego-centric attitude towards life, mediated by a self in need of creative expression, a thinking function dominating an embodied sensibility. The loneliness, gut wrenching need for intimate connection, yet a fear of closeness and being truly seen. All there, in a play of hide and seek without a serious awareness of the game. All there, to keep me in a constant state of disconnect and isolation.

I have endured. I have conformed. I have rebelled. I have lost some, and won others. I have suffered, no more or less than another, yet I’ve always gone back for more. I have been driven and stagnant, courageous and fearful, honest and inauthentic, the good girl next door and the heartless bitch. I have loved and hated, manipulated and been used, enraged and compassionate. I have been inspiring and destructive. I have been broken, and put together a thousand times, to where the cracks have formed a beautiful mosaic.

I’ve been present to Hera, the goddess of loyalty, commitment and monogamy, as well as Aphrodite, the untamed, free-spirited, sensual image of passionate love. Of course there’s also been Kali, the ferocious dark mother, destroyer of false consciousness, swinging her ax through the firmly held pillars of illusion in my life.

I’ve often wondered how all this came about. I’ve meticulously reviewed the details of my life, back to childhood, each time being taken to a new direction. The pandora’s box is not just one, but many that have been opened. An image of an antique dresser comes forward, where the drawers have all been opened, the contents poured in the center of the room, bearing the secrets endured for too long. The room is messy, and I can’t stand messiness. I can’t see the floor, for it is buried underneath all the shit. I try to clean up, organize, control. Yet with each fruitless attempt, I become more aware of the need to let go, to sit amongst the crap, let everyone see the mess.

I sit in this clutter, and chaos, and I am alone. In my aloneness, I begin to touch the forbidden articles, tucked away and now suddenly made available. I feel the softness of the material, smell the familiar scent of old memories, see the embarrassing stains of tears and bloodshed, and suddenly realize the pain is not all mine. I have suffered, yet have caused enormous pain. I have bled, but perhaps not nearly as much as the bleeding hearts I’ve contributed to. I have created, and destroyed.

So I sit with this knowledge: that I AM the container of opposites. That all I have judged and feared in another is within me. All that I have loved and valued in another is within me. I am the beloved and the evil one.

So I let go. I let it all go. The stories, the pain, the rationale, the excuses used to keep me asleep. I awaken to nothingness and embrace the void, what Quantum Physics calls the “zero point field“. The gap, the place of utter emptiness and fullness, where psyche and matter both touch and don’t touch. I attune to my body as the vessel of enantiodromia, what Carl Jung refers to as a tension of opposites within the psyche, holding both conflict and resolution.

The descent into the chaos in my life, what I’ve experienced as the black hole, began the integration of my fragmented self. The drop into the void is where I found true access to the inner way, the healing of my trauma, and began my own transformation. The descent into the symptoms, the suffering, the darkness, the alchemical cleansing contained in the vessel of my physical, emotional and subtle body, brought forth a coniunctio, a third thing: the birth of my dissertation.


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9 Responses to “The Descent”

  1. mattelm says:

    Picking through your shadow like a scab on your wound it one of the best ways to realize that you are a whole person. Wish we all coud be that honest with ourselves.

    • Rashin says:

      I appreciate your comment. Truly seeing ourselves for all that we are is often challenging, but in the "picking of the scab", we can allow the bleeding that often cleanses and heals the wound.

  2. Warriorof health says:

    Just found your blog. Depth psychology really interests me because I'm trying to do some dream analysis from a psychological perspective. I don't have any answers to your problems, but I remember my abnormal psychology teacher telling me that wounded healers that heal themselves or are healed make the best healers. I wish you the best and will pray for you.

  3. Rashin says:

    Thank you. I appreciate you reading and commenting on the blog. I do agree that it is only through my own wounds and healing, that I can touch and be touched by another's suffering.

  4. Kris F says:

    What a beautiful expression of being human. Thank you Rashin.

  5. Rashin says:

    Thank you Kris. I appreciate your comment :-)

  6. Transitional my ass! This is a reaffirmance of the quality of their music. And more. Thank goodness Leach is back.

  7. Human Psyche says:

    Behaviourist analyze human psyche to experience about functions under nature and nurture.

  8. curiosity says:

    Carl Jung was born in Kesswill Switzerland in 1875. From his childhood he was attracted in history, archaeology and philosophy. He learned medication at the University of Basel and exposed he had a passion for psychiatry. He became psychiatrist as it provide him the chance to examine together the spiritual and factual dimension of the world. He was an associate physician at a psychiatric hospital. He learned Schizophrenia broadly.

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